If The Stars Could Sing
by Chocolate Roses
Summary: (Main Pairing: Raven x BB. Others: Robin x Star Cyborg x OC o.O maybe) Beast Boy left for Terra so long ago. Raven, who "loved" him, now misses him.
1. Evident And Yet Inconspicuous

If The Stars Could Sing  
  
By Chocolate Roses  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Don't sue. No funny remark today, ladies. TT  
  
If you ever took the moment to stare at the stars, I know you'd fall into their sleepless slumber. It's funny really, the way they've been up there my whole life, but I only took this one night to stare at them. Even things that are evident to me, things that I know are evident to me, just seem so much more enforced when I take the time to look at them. It happened so long ago, what made me go into this whole delirious state of mind. Beast Boy left. He left with Terra when she couldn't handle her powers anymore, and refused to stay with anyone. Beast Boy had left to be with her, but I wonder if he knew that he left me to be with her... does he know he has caused me pain to help her?  
  
I let out a sigh. It had been twenty years, after all, and I was still not capable of letting go. I doubted if I ever could, if I would ever get that peace of mind to know that I was no longer bound to this person that felt nothing towards me. It had happened one night... so long ago. Beast Boy had awoken to the horrible surprise of Terra being gone. It was a day of grieving for him, and I suppose he left that night. I was to awake the next day to my own horrible surprise of him being gone. I've never really been able to cope with it, and until five years later I never really understood why. Not until I realized my deeper passions for the boy.  
  
It could have been love; perhaps if he had stayed around for awhile longer I'd know now. But he didn't, and we know that now. I left one year after Beast Boy did. I never heard of Robin, or Starfire, not even Cyborg. Slade was soon even gone forever to me, and I was soon just Raven. Just lonely Raven. I didn't know where to go when I left the Teen Titans, I didn't know who would take me in, harbor me. It took me awhile to realize that I would have to take myself in, harbor myself in my own comforts and self pity.  
  
It took me awhile to adjust, but I did. I'm not saying I'm happy now, standing on the balcony outside of my tiny apartment staring at gas balls so far away I couldn't ever even imagine trying to touch them. That's where I want to live, amongst them, looking down and seeing Beast Boy again. I wouldn't mind if he were married to Terra, so long as I were to see him. It's like, craving something unbelievably. You crave it less when you know you can have it whenever, and more when you know you can't. And I know I can't have Beast Boy, it's impossible. I've lost all contact with the Teen Titans, Slade, everyone and everything. Minus my job as a waitress and librarian, I barely have time to see anyone. I've matured some, but I'm not saying I've become a different person. I know, no matter what, I'll always be Raven.  
  
I've lost the cloak. I wear one like it that fits me better now, but only on occasion. I've better managed my hair, but I haven't dyed it or done anything with it. I don't want too. If I was to see Beast Boy again and he was different, and I was not able to recognize him, I'd like to think that at least he saw me. I wonder, now, if he misses me as much as I do him. I hope he doesn't, he'd feel a wretched pain if he did.  
  
I let out a sigh, and backed away from the balcony, retreating into what is now my humble home. I can clearly state it as humble, when it isn't a horrendous mess. I try to keep it clean, but now and then I really don't care. I still listen up at night, even as I'm asleep, for the sound of a knock on the door. I know that it would be Beast Boy's hand lightly rapping on the door, as he stands nervously on the other side of the wooden barrier. I know I would arise from my bed, glide quietly across the wood floors in my white night gown, and move to the front door. I know my hand would reach for the knob, before I would take a deep breath. I'd open it then, and see him. My thoughts and dreams end there, though, for I do not know what Beast boy looks like now. All I can see him as is that goofy, but cute, little boy I grew up with.  
  
The cute little boy that I lost to that beautiful girl, who laughed at his jokes. I did laugh at them, occasionally, in my own head. In the playground of my mind were Beast Boy came to my every will. It's no use now, though, pondering on the thoughts of which have never occurred. I never once said good bye to my dear Beast Boy. Never once did my arms encircle him in a hug that let him know just how much I loved him. Words and actions were two different things, but I barely gave him either.  
  
It was to late now, though.  
  
I had left work the next day after my long and ponderous thought. I knew that the stars always left me lingering for more to think about, but the night never gave me the time. The walk from the café to my apartment complex was a short one. It was only a block or two, and the streets were always quiet. Even the crickets seemed to reside elsewhere, for barely even the sound of wind was heard rustling something.  
  
It's nice to walk outside, and feel the fresh air.  
  
The nice fresh air.  
  
To be free of all thoughts.  
  
Minus the thoughts of him.  
  
To walk alone.  
  
Until his hand reaches your shoulder...  
  
I jumped in surprise when I actually did feel something on my shoulder. I turned quickly around, my eyes went wide, and I knew if it weren't for the fact that his hand had a tight grip on my shoulder, I'd be on the ground in ruins. I began mumbling, the first few letters, then just the first letter, and then back to the first few.  
  
"Be...be....bah...bah...beast.....BEAST BOY!" I let out a scream, he let go of my shoulder in surprise, I fell to the floor, he cried out 'Raven' before diving down to help me...  
  
And all went silent. I didn't speak, he didn't speak, and I couldn't even look at him. This was a dream. I've finally gone insane, and now I'm seeing and feeling him.  
  
"You're...you're not real," I began in a low whisper, "you can't be real."  
  
He could barely hear me, and I know it, but I also know that he did hear me, even if just barely.  
  
"Raven.... Raven, please, look at me! I'm here, Raven."  
  
There was a long silence again, before my head turned up. Beast Boy was now much older, much wiser, and handsomer. He had a stern face now, but it still held that goofy grin. I knew inside he'd always be that rambunctious little boy I love very much.  
  
"You're here... finally... where've you been?" Of all the questions racing through my head, it seemed I always choose the blunter, or the less needed to know questions. He answered none-the-less.  
  
"Searching... for Terra... and then... I found I'd lost what I needed when I went looking for what I thought I needed," he said the last bit a little bit faster then the first bit, and I was a somewhat baffled by what he meant, and I'm sure my face gave it away when he began explaining.  
  
"I couldn't find Terra," he began, "But on my journey, I found that I needed the Titans, you were all my friends. I came back 13 months," that's a month after I left, "later. Star was a bit sad; she'd explained she'd lost two friends. During their coping time, Robin got closer to Star and they were an item. I found Cyborg to be his normal self, and well, you weren't there."  
  
All paused. No goofy joke? No corny saying? No nothing? Had his journey burdened him, or was that me?  
  
"Oh," was all I could say, "I'm glad you found me, then, Friend."  
  
He let out a large smile, and I wanted to hug him. Tightly. Forever.  
  
"Yep, Friend!" 


	2. If The Stars Could Sing

If happiness was given on a silver platter, then I must have been given a golden one as I set eyes on Beast Boy. He had agreed with staying with me, and even though it would be only for a short while, I know I'd cherish the seconds that passed. Everything about him drove me insane, or at least to the brink of insanity. His beauty, and the way I marveled it, the common joke he'd say every once in awhile. Everything about him was perfect, but all perfect things have a flaw. And Terra was Beast Boy's flaw. Perhaps she wasn't his flaw, more so mine, but I knew that as long as he felt the way he did towards her, it wouldn't go away. I thought, no I knew, if I saw him I'd be happy. And I was. But now every time I see him, it's breaking me up inside.  
  
A quick pang going across my heart, and it's like he can't see it. Or perhaps he's so blinded by his love for Terra, he can't see me at all. I wish that wouldn't be true, but I would never know.  
  
"Raven? Raven?" Beast Boy asked, waving an indecent hand in front of my face. It was covered in ketchup and french fry bits from our dinner that we were sharing. I gave him a weak smile, and understood now just how helpful one little mask could be. Beast Boy passed my moments of insanity off as just mere thoughts or something like that, I'm sure.  
  
I looked down at my own dinner, filled with toast and some orange juice. I had some fries as well, but they were untouched, unscathed. It was almost like love. The minute someone touches the fry, they're going to eat it. And the minute someone touches your heart, they'll eat away at it. I looked up at Beast Boy who had a handful of fries he was trying to shove into his mouth, obviously finding the predicament to be the fact that his mouth just wasn't big enough. He let out a sigh, dropped one french fry, and tossed in the rest. It took him a moment to chew, but he got it all down. When he saw that I was staring indignantly at him, he threw me a smile before digging in again.  
  
I wanted to laugh, but I didn't feel like it. It seemed funny, and to me it must have been somewhat, but I was afraid, I think. If I laugh, will he look at me again? See through me, but allow me the chance to see into him? Did I even want to? A breath escaped me, and he looked up. I froze, and when we caught eyes I knew he had to see me. Had to see the pain buried deep within me, and somehow he must have known.  
  
He never said a word, though I'm thankful, and he never mentioned it again. But by the way he was looking at me as we left the café we had ate in, and the way he walked in front of me gave me ideas that he knew. He probably didn't know the way I felt for him, but he most certainly must know by now I'm hurting.  
  
It was a quiet walk home, filled with nothing. I looked back up at the stars as I had the night before, and smiled. It was funny, really, but I was looking at the same exact things yesterday, and today I got what I was wishing for.  
  
:  
  
When we reached my apartment, Beast Boy flopped down on the couch he had also agreed to staying on. I didn't have any spare bedrooms, to be honest not many of my rooms were even the littlest bit big. It was, like I said, a small apartment. He grabbed hold of his fuzzy orange blanket, tossed it over himself, and dug his arm underneath his pillow. A weak smile.  
  
"Good night, Raven," he said in a husky voice as he moved slightly to adjust. A bigger smile.  
  
"Good night to you too, Beast Boy," I walked out onto the balcony where I always kept a blanket and a chair, and sat down. I pulled the blanket tightly around me to keep my body heat enclosed, and took one last glance up at the sky above.  
  
"If the stars could sing..." I sang slowly, letting out a yawn, "they'd tell the truth... they'd tell you I love you.... And how you tease... my.... Sweet... tooth...."  
  
My eyes closed, and sleep enveloped me.  
  
:  
  
I woke up the next morning bright and early, in my soft bed. At first I was a bit alarmed, and it took me only a few seconds to register where I was. I got that part down, but how I got there was still my primary question. I flew out of the bed, out of my room, and into the living room where Beast Boy was sitting. He had on the television and was flipping through the channels quicker then my eyes could focus.  
  
"Morning, Raven!" Beast Boy said chirpily as he saw me. He was wearing the same clothes he was wearing yesterday, much like myself.  
  
"Beast boy? How'd I get in my room?" I inquired, sitting down next to him and giving him a very thoughtful glance. I could have sworn he blushed.  
  
"I carried you... I woke up in the middle of the night having a nightmare you froze to death. It was quite odd, really, because I saw you on the balcony and you where a dark blue. Your teeth were chattering, as well, and I was surprised you didn't wake up from the cold and come inside," he explained, using some hand gestures that didn't even go along with his story. I nodded, and sat back to watch as the channels flew by.  
  
(Wow... I got reviews ... I was so surprised when I checked my email ;;. Thank you all, so very much. I think I might be getting worse now, though . But thank you so much, anyways. ) 


	3. Wanting, Wishing, And Wondering

 Whether I noticed it while they were happening or not, the days were flying by. I don't know how long it has been since that night Beast Boy first appeared, but I knew it was well over a month by now. The month had passed with a few events each day, my working and him staying home, and us going places together. We probably looked weird together, a purple haired pale girl standing next to a green boy, but that was irrelevant. I knew he wasn't going to stay long, or he would have been looking for a place or a job, I knew one day he'd leave. Just vanish. As the days passed, however, I knew it would take forever to let him go. I didn't know whether having him here was a burden or a holy gift from the Gods, but I knew that the more he stayed the harder it would be to let him go.

            It wasn't raining tonight. The sun was gone, the moon risen, and the stars were out once more. I reveled in the way they sparkled, they always looked happy when you were happy, and when you were sad it was as if they were Angel's tears frozen in the heavens. I was a mild of both sad and happy as I was once again able to be found upon the balcony. My eyes swept over the sea of stars, and then the sea of buildings and people. Beast Boy appeared at the balcony door just then, and gave a slight knock.

            "Raven?" He inquired softly, and I turned around indicating I heard him, "I think  it's time."

            It wasn't really a full sentence, and I knew it would make little to no sense to anyone else. But I understood immediately, he meant to leave now. I wanted to play the dumb card, the card that allowed time to freeze so you could stall the impending doom. But I couldn't stop this, and I couldn't stall it, I had to just…. Be ok with it.

            "Are you sure?" I asked in a steady voice, trying to hold back anything and everything. No emotion would be shown, no emotion should be shown.

            "Yes, it's been awhile," He laughed a bit here, and a smile formed on my face quickly disappearing. No emotion, "I need to find her, Raven, you don't understand."

            He came beside me and sat down, looking up at the stars like I had been. I knew my emotion now.

            "She liked me, I know it, I just know it. But I need to find her, I need to tell her I love her, I need her to know that I feel these… THESE THINGS FOR HER!" He thrusted his hands up in the air in a quick motion, and then pulled them down and looked at me. A big smile was on his face.

            "Raven, I'll come back again, I promise. Maybe I won't wait so long, or perhaps I'll find her quickly. It's been great seeing you again, but I need to find her. You understand, right?" He looked at me with a sincere look, his smile gone now. I nodded, and he hugged me tight. I made no move to hug him back but I did give a weak smile.

            "Thank you, Raven, my friend," Beast boy said, patting my shoulder lightly after the hug. That was it, this is our good bye. Should I tell him that I love him? Does he want me to follow him as he is Terra? I couldn't. I just couldn't/

            "Thank you, also, Beast Boy. I hope to see you again," I gave him a hug this time, and I knew both of us were at least some what surprised. Beast Boy stood up then, transformed into a lovely bird which came to my shoulder. It pecked lightly at my cheek, and then flew off. I watched him till he disappeared, and then my eyes drifted back to the stars.

            They were Angel's tears, now.

--(Gasp)—

            Two weeks. Just two weeks, and I couldn't manage at all. I missed him, I missed him so much. I got a letter last Friday from Robin and Starfire, they were getting married. And it seems Cyborg had found his own match, though the name remained anonymous. I was invited to attend the wedding, but I had declined. I sent them a gift, my love, and my good bye. It took me two weeks to realize I had to go after Beast Boy. If he was willing to do so for Terra to prove his love, then I was more then willing to do so for Beast Boy.

            I walked into the living room, after packing a light bag, and sat down on the untouched couch. I hadn't sat in it since he left, and I don't really know why. But when I sat there, I realized. It's like, when you're with a friend and you do something, that something becomes a memory instantly. Then, when you do it again, it saddens you because you remember your friend. As I sat there on that couch, staring at the blank screen of the t.v., I heard his laughter. I felt the milk he spilt from his bowl of cereal poor down from the couch onto me, a quick apology as he raced up to get a towel but fell off the couch instead. I saw it all, in a hazy way, though.

            I was sitting in the middle, one hand on where I used to sit, and one where Beast Boy used to sit. Something was poking lightly from out of the couch, and I grabbed hold and pulled it out. A sheet of paper with scribbled lines that looked somewhat like words was now in my hands.

            _Dear Raven,_

_            I'm sorry, Raven, for leaving you. I hope beyond hope you read this only after I left, for I don't want you to hold me back. With tears I write this, and through pain as well. I don't know what you feel, and I don't really know what I feel, but I think I'm in love with you. I don't know, I think I love Terra more… but I think I'm in love with you._

_            I have to find Terra, though, because I know she loves me. I returned in hopes of finding a renewed friendship and love, but all I got was the friendship. I'll survive, though, and the compassion you have showed me may help keep my spirits up._

_            I hope to see you again, without these silly puppy love feelings for you. _

_                                                                        Your Friend, and Love,_

_                                                                                    Beast Boy_

(Thank you, Reviewers, this is for you.)


	4. Leaving Life and Love

It was decided and barely thought about afterwards. It was merely thought about for a second, overlooked, and done on impulse, but things were as they were and fate drew them that way. Two days, three hours, and 22 minutes after Raven read that letter, she packed, got everything together, and prepared for a journey of a life time. She didn't know anything about what would happen, and she thought she was going crazy. She, Raven, was going out to chase after Beast Boy, who was already chasing after his own lover?

            Maybe it was those words drawn out slowly in her head, lover, Beast Boy, Terra, all of it, it drove her mad and she had to stop him. She had to let him know, let him feel her love like she felt it as it burned through her body and soul alike. She wanted him to know that she loved him more then he even thought he loved Terra, and it was eating away at her.

            Or maybe she just didn't know? Perhaps this was all just a fickle thought made up by the mere notation that perhaps she was in love, but she really never experienced anything like this and just thought she was in love. And what really was being in love, and how far apart were being in love and loving? She didn't care, though, not for long. She was out the door, her cape on her and drawn over her head and she was ready for anything, whether it was love or hate or both mixed together.

            She didn't know where to go, or where'd she'd end up, but in the end she'd find him, and that much she knew. She felt it, it pulsated within her and something or someone was screaming from within her telling her that if she left her crummy mediocre life, and she found Beast Boy, everything would fall into place, like on a puzzle. He was that missing piece that would set off a chain reaction to all the other missing pieces, and sooner or later all would be good.

            Or, he wouldn't come back with her, and she'd always miss that one portion of her life. But perhaps that didn't matter? After all, everyone was bound to die and when we do, what will we take with us? Our love? Will she even love Raven after death, or will she forget about it all like everyone forgets about their baby-hood? She didn't want to forget, even if it meant a painful after life. She wanted to remember him, and she knew that much.

            So it was down some familiar streets, past a few unfamiliar towns, into some crummy inn's and hotels, and going to the tower twice. It was late one night, though, somewhat cold and smelling nice after a rain while she sat in her hotel that a knock came to the door. She froze for a second, and then looked down at the ground.

            "Room service? Did I even order?" She spoke in her same soar-throat-like voice, and contemplated opening the door. Another knock, followed by a silence.

            "Raven?" It was…Terra!?

            Beast Boy was on the road again, living the high life. Everyone was feeding him left over food, and he was finding good places to sleep. Probably because he usually changed into his dog form to get that all, but he did anyways. He still hadn't found Terra, and he began thinking about Raven after that visit. He wondered if leaving that note was a good idea or not, perhaps he was just acting on instinct? He was confused, and he felt like he was a 10 year old who was admiring his teacher, and whether or not he should tell his teacher that he felt that way.

            He knew he couldn't, that he shouldn't, tell Raven, but he wanted too, so the note was the best way. He wanted to tell her so badly, and he also didn't want to leave her but the only way to tell her was by leaving. He couldn't stick around and wait for an answer, a surely doomed answer that would mess up his whole life.

            Beast Boy nodded, shuffling the wooden stick with the pouch at the end from one shoulder to the next, when a scent caught his nose. Not only was it Terra's scent, but… Ravens as well? And mixed, together, were they? His lovers, the people that made his heart pound, were talking together. He sat down on the curb, thinking about it. He wondered if they were maybe talking about him, and what a horrible person he was to love both. He wondered who he loved more, and if he did love someone more, and if so, why?

            _Everything's so confusing, _he said lightly to himself, _but I guess it's best that way._

He then got up and proceeded to follow the smell to the hotel.

(Sorry for the slow update, and not so good one either, finals, summer reading list, and my grandma visiting has been time consuming. My computer in my room has a virus now, too, so I have to bug my brother's, parents, uncle, cousin, and grandma to get off to write. my whole family is computer obsessed, though my Grandma is quite clueless on how it all works…..-sigh-)


	5. Terra and Ravens Thoughts

(AN: I guess no one noticed but I switch Points of View in the last chapter by accident. –shameful rose- Forgive me. TT Sorry for the delay. . )  
  
I was staring at Terra for the longest time imaginable, contemplating if I should jump for joy or strangle her. I decided to act calm, and cool, and collective.  
  
"Terra?" I asked, giving a raised brow the chance to show my confusion. She let out a sigh, and brushed back her blonde hair.  
  
"I... Can we talk?" She looked around my hotel room, finding a couch and then looking at me again as if asking for permission. I don't know why she just didn't verbally ask, but I did nod for permission to entrance. She moved to the couch, and took a seat where her eyes had landed before. I took the seat next to her, and waited for her to talk. After several minutes of silence, I decided it was time I began.  
  
"How's Beast Boy?" I looked down at the ground, suddenly feeling embarrassed. It raced through my mind that I was doing all of this for him, I was practically begging for him on my knees, stuff I would have never done before. Have I changed that much, or was this my true intentions all along?  
  
"He's... I don't know... I haven't seen him. Raven, I've been running from him," She took a pause, and a sigh, and I swore several tears could have fallen out of her eyes right then and there.  
  
"What do you mean?" I didn't know if I should've yelled at her, or killed her, or just tried to play it calm, but I knew I wanted nothing more then to hurt her. I never trusted her before, and I know I couldn't ever trust her. How could she do that to Beast Boy? Someone that loved her so much? How could she tear his heart out like that? I wonder, does he know?  
  
"I don't want him to find me Raven!" She yelled out, looking at me as the tears finally fell. I felt sympathetic suddenly, and then pissed. Why was she crying? She had no right too! Beast Boy has been following her around, showing her his compassion, and giving her all his love, and what did I get? A one week stay!  
  
"Well maybe you should tell him that," I spoke in a calm voice, cool and calm. But inside my head I was in a wild rumble, voices appeared from no where and were fighting with each other.  
  
"I... I tried. I really did Raven, but he said he wouldn't stop. God's Raven, I need him to stop! I can't love him!" Everything froze. Time froze, my heart froze, my thoughts froze. She can't love him? What does that mean? That she does love him but she can't be with him? I wanted to strangle her, kill her, I don't know, find out the truth! By the time I came out of it, out of all the fighting in my head, she was gone. It was like a dream, one big dream. Maybe I had slept it, and I had just woken up from the couch. I couldn't remember. I can't remember.  
  
---  
  
It was early morning, about 5 or 6, when I decided to wake up and begin searching. It felt silly, wrong, like I should just give up now. I was completely lost, and I didn't know where to go. I had no light to show my the way. I had nothing. I thought back to the stars, back a few days ago when I stared up at them. If I was staring up at them now, I wonder, what would they tell me if they could talk? Maybe they could sing me a melody to put me to bed, and when I woke up there would be Beast Boy. There would be my life again, all fixed and ready to go. Like the perfect life. If only... if only the stars could sing.  
  
---  
  
(Note: Sorry, I had to make it a short chapter... TT. I'll write again later on tonight and make a bigger chapter. So sorry. I'm sorry. Thanks for all the reviews though, they really make my day ) 


	6. The Kiss Of A Thousand Years

Slow rain fell out on the city that I was currently resided in. Slow, soft rain that mirrored my feelings to the world. It never really rained when I felt sad before, but now it did. Why didn't Terra want to be with Beast Boy? Hadn't she been the one to drool over him and laugh at everything he ever said and or did? It made me feel happy, happy that that meant Beast Boy was free, but then sad, sad because this meant his heart was live pray on a web for the spider, Terra, to come and poison. And poison she would, no matter what. And then it'd be stone hard, incapable of loving anything or anyone. I hate you, Terra!  
  
I was yelling in my head, pounding on the wall in my hotel room, and crying a thousand and two tears, and yet nothing was coming out of this. Nothing good, at least, so I began to pound harder and harder. I was choking on my sobs, my hand was bleeding and the wall had begun to crumble, and only then did I stop my actions, only then did I give up. I wondered if this was the end to everything, if this meant returning back "home", and sleeping and living and breathing and doing everything I did before.  
  
My whole life was altered due to him, he changed me in ways I never thought possible, and he didn't know about. He'd never know, though, would he?  
  
Five hours, a few packed bags, and two glasses of water later I was standing at the train station ready to board. I was going home. I was gripping the handle bar, walking up the step, and the minute my foot connected I heard my name. It reached me loud and clear; crisp above all the other noise. I only heard that one singular word and I turned my head. I had begun to cry, and when I saw the owner, I did. A man was standing there, a girl with long hair holding his hand. I let out a faint smile, took one last look at the train and moved my luggage over to the couple....  
  
"Raven? Raven, we are your friends!" Starfire said, grabbing my hand. They'd heard news of what I was doing, and had come to the train station to talk to me. It was apparent they thought I was going to continue on, and it was also apparent they do things the hard way and don't bother to check where the train was going.  
  
"Yes, I know," I replied, giving a weak smile. Robin moved forward, and rested his hand on top of Starfire's and mine. They'd change so much, like all of us, but no matter what it was always evident who they once were, who we all once were. We were the titan's, a group of friends, the elite.  
  
"Raven, come stay with us for awhile," Robin offered, and I pulled my hand away, and shook my head. I grabbed my bags, took one last drink of my water, and looked at them with eyes pooling over with water.  
  
"I can't. I have my own life to go back too, he's.... he's already ruined it enough. Look at me! I'm sharing my emotions with the world as if it were normal. This isn't who I used to be, and I intend to go back. I was going to go back before you guys came, and now that we've had this talk, I've decided everything. Terra doesn't like Beast Boy, and I don't know why, and I don't care, he'll find out for himself one day. I'll get over Beast Boy, and I'll get over all of this, and I'll move on. I have to go now though," I then left. I'd buy another ticket, board another train, and live the same life over and over again until I died. This, this never happened. I agreed right then and there that I'd just forget about this. I wasn't a child any more; I have a job and a house to maintain, and perhaps a new family to settle down with. Maybe if I got everything in order I wouldn't be so depressed over the whole Beast Boy ordeal.  
  
The train ride was long, boring, and rather uncomfortable, so I spent the whole time meditating. I'd find a peaceful place within side my head, and stay there till I returned to my former "home", where I'd reside for the rest of my life till I wilted away and got buried in some grave no one would bother visiting again. No one...  
  
I got home, jingled around and found my keys, and then fit them in the lock. I was home... but my heart wasn't with me. I opened the door, walked in, and flopped down on the couch. I felt wind hit my face, and looked over at the balcony door which was open. Had I left it open all these days?  
  
"Raven... I talked to Terra," A voice said, and I looked over at the figure in surprise.  
  
"Beast Boy... but how?" No other words were shared as he raced over and jumped on me, which hurt a bit, and then kissed me. His lips found mine in such a hurried motion I feared they might hit my cheek, and he'd run off in the night embarrassed. But they hit my lips, and I felt my heart burst. My eyes did burst, though, with tears, and I began to kiss him with a passion. Nothing mattered, it didn't matter if he left tomorrow, right now I was kissing him, and right now I was happy. Right now... 


	7. The Voice Of Hope

CR: She lives! No actually I've died. Ok, this chapter took awhile to come out because I've been grounded. Yeah, it sucks, shushy. I want this story to be long, so bear with me on all the pain I'm putting the characters through. I enjoy the reviews and the readers who don't mind all to much that my grammar and spelling seem to fail me quite often. Hehe. Yeah, shush.

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The kiss was beautiful, wonderful, romantic in every sense. It was the end of a fairy tale, and yet the beginning of a night-mare. I began crying again when we pulled apart, and hurriedly wiped away the tears. What was wrong with me? The great Raven crying over a kiss!? I let out a sigh, and sat down, surprised that even after he jumped on me I hadn't fallen over.

"Why?" I questioned, and he sat down. I knew he didn't understand the question and wanted it rephrased, but I needed a second to catch my breath. So after a moments time, and after a few coughs of embarrassment, I began again.

"Why didn't she love you? Why did you come back to me?" Thoughts flooded me. Terra didn't love BB, so he came back to me. Was I his second resource so his life wouldn't be wasted single? I felt my heart tear, and I prayed the thought would banish and be nothing but a lie. But no matter how hard I tried to ignore it, it still lingered in my head.

"She didn't love me because she'd found someone else. She said she had great times with me, and that I was funny, but not the person she wanted to love and be loved by," I nodded my reply, "Raven, I never left you. You left me."

I stared at him in shock. I left him?! What a preposterous thought!

"What do you mean!?" I nearly yelled, jumping up. My emotions flared and my eyes went white. I heard a crash from somewhere in my apartment but ignored it.

"Raven! Calm down Raven I didn't mean what you're thinking!" Beast Boy pleaded, but it was obvious he was just doing it to calm me and that he was lying.

"I followed you on your escapade for Terra, I looked and looked for you and I'll be killed if I didn't do it for any other reason then love!" I yelled out. I couldn't see anything but Beast Boy, and the crashing in the background had faded. I knew it was still happening, the crashing, however, because Beast boy kept ducking and grabbing hold of his head in a protective manner.

"RAVEN! PLEASE YOU'VE GOT TO REASON WITH ME!" BB started yelling as he jumped out of the way of a flying desk. Or was that my nightstand? It didn't matter, objects were flying everywhere, things were falling apart and I could hear the neighbors banging on the door.

"Raven! RAVEN!" I felt arms around me. I felt someone whispering in my ear. I felt everything melt away, even my knees, as I crumbled to the floor.

"I cried, me," I said in a joking manner, letting out a snort. "BB, I've felt emotions I've never felt before, or I never thought I could feel. I've done things I never thought I would do. I've changed."

Beast Boy nodded, and whispered 'I know' repeatively in my ear as he stroked my hair. I wasn't crying anymore, and he wasn't either. The room around us was a mess, and most, if not all, of my objects were destroyed beyond repair. I think my heart was the same way. Fear flooded me, what was I supposed to do now? Where was I supposed to go? Beast Boy is sitting here with me in his arms in my apartment, and I was at a loss of what to do. How long will he stroke my hair before he leaves?

"Raven," he began finally a deep breath of relief left me. "I loved you for a very long time, Raven. But you blocked us out. I know before you couldn't have emotions, and as you grew older you could. Maybe it's because of living on earth, or maybe it was because of us. I don't know really, but when you started having emotions like love and happiness, I felt like it was because I had left that one day. I thought that you left me so long ago in spirit, that because I left in physical form you were happy."

"I was so sad, Beast Boy," I replied. He nodded again, and stopped stroking my hair to give me a hug. What did this all mean? I'm so confused.

"Raven, maybe we weren't meant to be together," Beast Boy confirmed my worst night mare. I withdrew and looked at him straight in the eye.

"What do you mean?" I asked without emotion, and kept a straight face.

"Whenever we're together something happens, and whether it's good or not it doesn't... I don't know, Raven, I really don't. I just... well, It's just that..." there was a long pause, and I knew Beast Boy couldn't really explain what it was that was happening.

So I nodded, and told him it was ok. He left then, leaving me to the destroyed room of pain. I knelt down and began picking up my ruined room and life.

_Why? _A voice filled the room. I looked up in alarm, searching for a body.

"Why what? Who's there?" I questioned, standing up and looking around.

_You... showed only love... and got... only pain... why?_

"Why WHAT!?" I asked, spinning around. I wasn't afraid, no-that was one emotion I wouldn't stand to have anymore. I just had to find the body of the voice.

_Why do you still love **him?**_

I stared straight forward in a dumbfounded look.

"Love... Beast boy?" I questioned slowly.

_Yess... child... why? You followed him while he followed **her, **and she didn't even love him like you did! And in the end... did you get what you wanted?_

I stared forward for awhile, pondering this. The faceless voice had a point.

_Come with me, child.... I'll show you love..._

Was that what I wanted? I growled slightly.

"I don't need love," I replied.

_Oh but you do, child! _The voice retorted. It wasn't in the room! I suddenly twirled around to face the balcony. The doors were open still, like I had found them. No, the voice was within my head.

"Am I going insane?" I questioned.

_No, you're not, child... you've come to realization... he doesn't love you, but oh! Do I ever love you..._

"Who... who are you!?" I yelled out into the night.

_Why, your knight in shining armor!_

(Ok yeah, I have no life. I want SOME action in this so in the next few chapters expect romance, action, jealousy, rage, and well death. o.o Yeah... ok well yeah. ;; 10 reviews or no chapter. –lmao- I can sooo see no one caring :P)

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	8. The Reason Why

**CR**: Woah. A flame. -goes teary eyed- I have waited so LONG for one of these. I love flames. I just can't help it, I do. It's just like this great feeling that i'm ruining someones day, and by continuing writing it i'm ruining it some more!! HAHHA. Ooh I get so happy over these, I'm sorry. No, Raven didn't molest a pillow. You need to learn how to read. :P And he's not a pimp and htey're not whores because they never had sex. Awe, oh well, at least you're learning vocabulary. (Can't really help on your grammar, it's too far out there to do anything about, but that's ok, that's what school is for.) I am not desperate, I put my friends up there because one of my friends asked me to put them up there and sooner or later all my friends got mad because they weren't up there. (If you had friends, you'd understand this. But with your attitude, I doubt you do.)

Well anyawys, thanks for all the other reviews. I just put the number of reviews I wanted up there so I could pro-long the time that it'll take to put up the next chapter.

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The voice died out after his last line, the proclimaiton of him being a knight. I felt different emotions come to me over this, and I had to overcome them. This "knight" of mine wasn't doing any rescuing, he was just making life harder for me. I still didn't understand much of anything. I felt so empty inside, like I was a jack-o-lanter and someone carved my insides and gave me a face of lies.

For some time while I was cleaning, I actually wanted the voice to come back. I wondered if I was insane, and the voice was just something my inner-self had made up to calm my emotions. It as probable, after all.

----Beast Boy's POV---

"Why does it come down to this?" I asked the ocean. The waves rolled up to where I was sitting, barely touched my toes and rolled back down.

"Because, some things weren't meant to be," A voice said from behind me, and I turned around to see Cyborg.

"Hey, man," he said, coming up to me and taking a seat beside me.

"I loved her, Cyborg, and for some reason I turned it all away," I cried out, burying my face into my green arms.

"Well, it happens. Maybe it was time? You spent all that time trying to love her, and she spent all the time trying to love you, after awhile it just becomes to much. Man, it probably wasn't time to be together," Cyborg replied, and I raised a questioning brow after I looked up at him in surprise.

"When did you become the love machine-master?" I inquired, and he smiled and shrugged his large, heavy shoulders.

"I guess hanging out with Star and Robin too much," he replied, "How is she?"

I smiled and looked back out into the water. I could feel the salty water builing up in my eyelids.

"Good, I guess. We kind of left eachother on bad terms." I could see him nodding out of the corner of my eye.

"What about you, Cyborg? Any cute girls?" Cyborg laughed.

"What cute girl would want a part-robot boyfriend?" I took this as an initiative to make a joke.

"Well, by-golly, I would!" I said in a girly voice, and Cyborg rolled his eyes at me.

"I met this one girl, I kind of like her. You'd be really surprised, though..." I raised a brow.

"Do I know her?" I scooted closer.

"Technically..." He replied, and I smiled. Was it a girl we rescued?

"What's her name?" Was it a friend of the group?

"Terra." He replied, and I looked at him with big eyes.

"WHAT!?" I screamed out. Was this why she-I paused when I saw him laughing, and grew hott with anger.

"OH I'm kidding, but you'll probably be just as surprised when I tell you who it truly," I raised a brow.

"It's Jinx."

-------x---x---x-------Back To Raven

After I finished cleaning, I left my apartment to go for a walk. It was nearing early morning by then, so most of everything held a light blue-ish tint. The streets had the occasional car drive by, and I only passed about two other people. My mind kept wandering to B.B. and what it was he was doing.

I didn't know it, but as I walked, I ended up at the shore line looking over to the Titans Tower. It stood tall, beautiful, a few lights shining out from the inside. I knew that Star and Robin took over when everyone else moved out.

I floated calmly to the tower, and entered it without knocking. The living rooms lights were off, but were soon turned on.

"Raven?" Came a feminine voice, followed by Stars face appearing.

"Hey, Star." I replied.

"Why is it you are here, friend?" She asked as she glided over to me. I shrugged my shoulders and sat down on the couch. Everyhting was the exact same, except we'd all grown up.

"I just, well you know, came for a visit. Where's Robin?"

"Robin is not here, Raven, he went off on a business trip," it sounded so odd, so foreign. He had a job, they were married, they would probably have kids soon, and here I was a single person with an apartment completely destroyed.

"Do you mind if I stay here for tonight? I know it's early and all- but my apartment has a rather large and gaping hole in the wall." Star nodded, and gave me a hug. I just kind of stood there and waited for it to be over. Now wasn't the time to go all emotonal again. I wouldn't want to start destorying Star's home too.

"You may stay here, my friend, for as long as you want," She replied.

"Star?? Where do you keep your brush?" A voice came from upstairs. I looked up, as if I could see the person from there, and then back down at Starfire who was rubbin the back of her head.

"And who is that?" I asked, and a mop of pink hair came from around the corner, and my eyes went bulging out.

"JINX!?" I yelled out. My anger slipped slightly, but was quickly regained before anything happened.

"Raven, you know Jinx," Starfire replied casually, and Jinx waved. I glared at Star.

"And why is she here?" I asked, ignoring Jinx all together.

"Well, her and Cyborg got into a fight-"

"So?"

"Oh, you did not know? They were... how do I say? Going out?" Starfire was backing away from me now.

"...What?" Jinx took this moment to interfere, and I glared at her with blood-red eyes.

"We got together a few years after he moved out, and we started dating. I was living with him, and then we got in a fight, and... me and Star have become friends," she said. She had matured a lot, and looked older, beautiful as well.

"..." I didn't know what to say. What was there to say? "Oh congrats on your friendship, I feel like i've completely lost touch with all my friends." Star then took Jinx's hand and led her upstairs to, apparently, find the missing brush, and i just sat on the couch looking out the window.

"Where are you Beast Boy?"


	9. Hurting

**_Bleh, nothing to say. On with the chapter._**

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----Raven's POV----

Star gave me back my old room that had changed a lot since my departure. When I left, I took everything personal with me. I didn't want them going through it- after all. My old bed was still there, a new tablestand beside it, burning a sweet scent of lavender from the lit candle. I smiled, it was nice to be back here. I could already feel the rush of someone at my door, knocking and yelling that someone was in trouble and the Titan's had to go rescue them. I felt plain now, bland. Like I didn't belong here anymore, no where here. Star was still my friend, and Robin probably was too. It had been awhile since me and Cyborg sat down for a chat- but I'm sure he still considered me a friend. I hoped so, at least. As for BB? I feared the answer more than anything else in this world.

There was a knock on the door, and flashbacks came zooming through my head. I pushed them aside and slowly went to the door, allowing it to slide open to greet the person on the other side. It was Jinx, sadly.

"Raven? Raven, I'm sorry," she said silently, and if it hadn't been for her hair and eyes, I'd never thought this was Jinx. But then again, I had changed so much as well.

"For?" I inquired, cocking my head to the side, raising a brow.

"For being such an enemy to you all. I was young then, niave. I had so many plans for my future, I guess I just never sat down to think about reality. I was so tuned into this- this surreal life," She said calmly, shrugging her shoulders in sympathy. I nodded and moved to the side allowing her entrance. She came in and sat on my bed, and I followed.

"It's ok, I guess," I said. I didn't know if I should appoligize, too. Maybe I did owe it to her, but something inside me told me to just keep quiet and listen.

"Me.. me and Cyborg," I wanted to correct her, I really did, but I let her continue, "we were enemies, and I find it so hard to beleive I ever fought him- that I ever hated him. No, I don't think I ever really _truly _hated him. I guess, when you grow up, you begin to understand everything more."

I thought back to when Starfire went into the future and found that we weren't friends anymore. It never really happened the way she explained it to us, but we had all drifted apart at least slightly. We were no longer the Teen Titans- at least.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," I replied in my sattire voice. She smiled.

"Raven, I want us to be friends. I really do. Gizmo..." she let out a sigh, "He's... well; he was said to be dead. I just like to think he just left..."

I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded. She went on for an hour, explaining everything about what had happened the years to follow the downfall of pretty much everything. Sometimes it took another person for you to realize you aren't alone. For quite some time I had only been focused on myself, and how everything was affecting me. I guess I never truly thought about what had happened to the others. I knew vague information, and for quite some time, that was all that mattered. It was quite some time before Jinx left, and then quite some more time before I left my hazy state of mine. I remembered saying good bye, and waving slightly at her as she went out to find something-I beleive it was the brush. Perhaps she had left Star to the duty of finding it.

After more pondering, I flew to my bed in a haste and closed my eyes. I wasn't tired, not really, but sometimes sleep is the only cure. Apparently, time doesn't help much.

---BB---

"WHAT!?" Duude, Cyborg with Jinx!? No way. No, he said he just liked her, right!?

"Yeah, we got in a fight, and now she's with Star and them," Cyborg shrugged his shoulder non-chalantly. I raised a brow.

"But, JINX!? When did this happen?" I didn't know what to ask, what to say. Words were just falling from my mouth in a surprised sort of state.

"Well, I don't know really, man. I guess it just did," He shrugged his shoulders, and i stood up.

"HELLO!? EARTH TO CYBORG! Things like THAT don't just happen!"

"Oh? And falling in love with Raven is just a common thing?" I sat down again, and sighed.

"That's different. She's... she's my friend," I replied, letting out a sigh. My friend. Like when we met again. I told her I found I'd missed all the titans. What a bunch of load. I mean, I did miss the titans, honesty I did. But it was her, specifically I missed. I didn't know what to do, I still don't. I was her friend, then I left her, then I came back and then I was her friend then I left her then I came back and we kissed and all of this stuff. I could barely keep anything in order anymore. Everything was a big, blurry, blotch in my head. A mess of scrambled words and thoughts and yet, in the whole of it all, it was emptiness. Blank forever and an eternity.

"Beast Boy? BB? You there? Helloooo? Man, wake up!" Cyborg took that moment to hit me on the head, though much harder then he probably intended. I rubbed it and gave him a glare.

"Yeah, i'm here," I replied, heaving a sigh.

"So now what are you going to do?" The thought had never crossed my mind before. I didn't know what to say, so I just shrugged my shoulders.

"Man, you can't just do nothing. Now, if you love her, you got to tell her and be with her. And if you don't, you got to move on man! Get a job or something," Get a job!? Tell her!? DO NOTHING!? Was he insane!?

"What do you mean get a job!? Who would hire a green human?" Cyborg shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm sure you'd find a job somewhere. Till then, you can crash with me," I let out a sigh. Living with Cyborg again. Yeah, that'd be nice. Just not in any gay ways. I'm not attracted to him like that. Eww! EWW!

"EWW!!" I suddenly let out a yell as sudden thoughts came to my head, and Cyborg looked at me wierd.

"Is crashing with me that bad?" He asked, suddenly smelling himself. I shook my head, eyes wide withe embarrassment. Cyborg rolled his eyes and got up.

"Come on, man, let's go home."

---Ravens P.O.V---

After I woke up and left my room, I found a note one one of the counters. It was from Star and to me, so I decided it must be worth reading. I picked it up.

Dearest Raven,

Hello Friend! It is I, Starfire! Jinx and I have left for a day of shopping. She said that she needed some food. My stomach agreed, so we decided to leave. We did not know if you were awake or not, so as not to disturb we left this note. We are hoping you will stay another night, but if not, you will come back for another visit, yes? We would be most happy, and if you come in a week or so I am sure that Robin will be back!

Love your friend,

Starfire.

There was a small p.s. that held Cyborgs address for some unknown reason. I hadn't talked to him in awhile, maybe Jinx left it so I could. I'm sure they've probably hooked back up: they didn't seem the type to stay in a fight for long. No puns intended.

I crinkled the paper up, and shoved it in my pocket and left. I decided that after some breakfast I would go visit Cyborg, see how he was doing, it had, after all, been awhile.

I went out to a small, quaint little cafe. Though it was crowded and busy on the inside, the outside looked like a place you just had to visit when you were in the depressed state I was in. It had calm, soothing colors, and dimmed lights just right to where you could see. I took a seat at a one-seater table, and waited patiently for a menu. A girl, chewing on a piece of gum with blonde hair in pigtails flung one at me and quickly asked what I'd be having. I understood she was busy, but that didn't imply she had to be rude. So, I gave her one of the meanest, rudest, most horribly-conjurable glare possible, and she smiled.

"I'll wait!" She said in a childish voice and quickly turned around to ask someone else. I opened the menu, randomly chose something, and then waited. And waited. And waited.

After at least a forty minute wait there was a tap on my shoulder. I whirled around- and low and behold! It was a blonde haired girl.

But not my waiter.

"Terra?"

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